월요일, 10월 24, 2005
It's a really fucked up day today. I had no idea what the hell went wrong with me. My temper gave way again, and this time, somebody close to me was affected. And I am now in great remorse. I don't know what to do. I'm in shame and lots of guilt. For once after a long time, I fell into a lonely depression.
I know that sooner this would happen. Just like what my mum also said, that if I don't get rid of this tempremental attitude, I'll lose too much I can ever imagine. I'm fearing that it might come to pass right now. I'm trying to self-reflect and spend some time alone thinking over all I've done, which have actually hurt somebody dear to me. I don't really mean it but it's the little fault I have all along that brought me into this downfall.
Probably it's pride. Pride kills. It destroys. And I've seen how it destroyed me in the past. Why am I doing it again?
Probably it's carelessness. I've always been forgetful and careless ever since I recovered. It's been pretty hard on me trying to remember things again. Each time I forget something, I feel I'm useless and that I've lost something which I truly possessed last time - A Good Memory.
Probably I've always let people down. I let my cell group leader down, I've let my mentor down, I've let my pastor down, I've let my ex down and the list I can't remember. For what reason, I don't really know.. but I can guess. Perhaps I just want it my way sometimes. And it's a fault of mine too.
I'm not perfect. Neither is everyone. I'm trying to live with the imperfection of the world and the people. I'm trying to tolerate their nonsenses just as they've tolerated mine. Can't this world be more loving?
Even in a relationship, if one is struggling with something he/she finding it hard to correct oneself, where is the fire of compassion and undying support?
I need prayers. Lots of them! I need God more than anything else in this world because I'm always growing and I can't expect to live without God's guidance everyday.Today, I made a horrible mistake. I'm not telling it here and I really hope someone I'm thinking of right now, would forgive me and start things afresh.
I'll not disappoint you again. :-(
Right now, all I have to do is pray and hope that everything will be alright again..